If you are reading this, there is a high chance you… can read, congratulations… and that you can be subjected to the studies of anthropology, because: a) your ancestors have evolved through the centuries to reach a time when only the youngest representatives are forgiven for walking on four limbs; b) your hairs grow in specifically located spots on your body, some are shaved, others are dyed, third are plucked; c) you are capable of feeling… emotional things… that your body might or might not react to in a physical way; d) all of the above. If you have chosen d) as your answer, then you most certainly are either a human, or an extra-terrestrial that is capable of even more than what I have just pinpointed.
In this case, one of the emotional things in particular has probably interrupted the natural flow of your life; has placed its foot right in front of you so that you can trip over just when you are looking at the most beautiful aspects of the world through the pink glasses supported by the massive cheeks, that the obesity of Love has cultivated on that bright face of yours. The one true Love of your life, you might think. Could it be that you have experienced this emotional… thing... more than once; that the claws of it have held you hostage, have comforted you to stay in its cradle of hopelessness to sing you a lullaby about the only thing you are left with after Love buys a one-way ticket to anywhere else but your own temple – a broken heart. There is not much you can do: you cannot chain Love to the dog house in the backyard, because it is slightly creepy and illegal. It won’t make Love love loving you more. One thing I am sure of is that any doctor would prescribe you the cheapest medicine – laughter. Here is a 7-day plan for healing a broken heart. You can thank me when you start laughing through your pink glasses again.
Day 1: Freeze the heart
Coldness equals preservation. Don’t you sometimes buy meat or vegetables in bulk and freeze them in order to keep bacteria from spreading and forcing the food to eat itself? Don’t serial killers send a victim’s finger in a box full of ice to brag about their cutting skills? This does not say that you should buy broken hearts in bulk, but it is true that a wounded heart is likely to slowly eat itself through guilt, bitterness and grief if it doesn’t boil down the pain. This does not say that you should send your heart to your ex-Love in a box full of ice, but it is also true that, sometimes, taking your heart out of your chest and placing it in the freezer in a reusable Tesco bag would stop the agonizing rotting of flesh. So take the fish fingers and the vodka out of the second shelf and shove your heart right in there. Then you can drink the vodka and eat the fish fingers as they are frozen.
Day 2: Listen to “All by Myself” until you feel like not being by yourself
Save Sam Smith, John Mayer and Jeff Buckley for another time; for example, for the days when you are not heartbroken, but you want some drama in your life to cry yourself to sleep. The weeping heart deserves a real eulogy and it can find it in the melody and lyrics of the iconic “All by Myself” by Eric Carmen. Put it as your alarm tone, as your ringtone, as your I-am-going-to-the-toilet tone and listen the hell out of it. Listen to it so much that it will soon provoke a physical reaction of your body and you will feel like vomiting. That is when you will change your clothes and decide you would rather be with other people than hearing that annoying power ballad again.
Day 3: Go out in the rain and catch a cold
The most effective way to alleviate a certain pain is by substituting it with another pain. It is common knowledge that a nice, well-rounded flu comes in a package with not one, but a few different types of pain. What a better way to forget about the sting poisoning your heart than being #dazedandconfused, while your mother tries to stick a spoonful of chicken soup in your exasperated stomach? Wait for the next rainstorm and… well, I know that it won’t be easy to dance in the rain if your back is hunched towards the weight of the heartache, but that’s even better. If you just sit down in a puddle, your bottom will soak enough to kick you home with a 38℃ fever.
Day 4: Make a voodoo doll of Love and play with it
When people say revenge is bad, pay attention to half of their advice while the other half of your mind outlines the route to the closest craft shop. Buy supplies and create the ugliest doll to resemble Love. Don’t be too cruel – Love is also a living human being, but a tickle on the feet or 10 minutes above the toaster with the intention to cause an unexplainable sweat flood won’t traumatize Love forever, but will help your vengeful heart to lighten up. If you suck at crafts, you can do what Lilo did in Lilo & Stitch: put a spoon in pickled water and shake the jar.
Day 5: Give your heart to a good friend
Now it is time to open that ribcage once again and let a trusted friend take your heart, wrap it in a blanket and throw it off a cliff OHNOIWASJOKING! Too late. Let the heart float for a bit. Ask your friend to go and pull it out of the water, because you shouldn’t touch it now. Let the friend do whatever he/she thinks is good for it – slap it, yell at it, tell it to stop feeling sorry for itself and then hug it and spend the night watching a film, because a broken heart doesn’t go to the club on a Friday night.
Day 6: Cry it all out, but cry in an amusing way and laugh at the noises
Of course, you can sign up for a new heart and wait for a donor with a strong heart; one that has never ever felt the same pain as you have, but let’s face it – you love your own heart that once belonged to a happy child who only knew that Love came to pick you up from the nursery, always smiling, always warm. This heart has been taking care of you and you don’t want to give up on it. Now that it needs you the most, you should be kind to it. Don’t shut it down, don’t tell it to be quiet and to suffocate in sadness. Allow it to cry all the pain out until the bullet stuck in it melts. A heartbreak is like a diarrhea – you won’t feel better until you fully get it out of your system. The abstinence of Love will crawl out of you.
Day 7: Take care
And on the 7th day you realize it is Sunday and, accordingly, the sun is shining outside. The flu is gone, the drugs are taken away from you, the ribcage is waiting for the leading member of this home to come back. Put colorful plasters on the spot where the bullet hit the heart and attach the vessels to it. If you have ever played “Operation,” you should be able to do it without the help of a professional. Stay hydrated. Brush your teeth. Kiss a cheek. Laugh and Love will come back.
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