Photo by Buzz Andersen on Unsplash
I stumble upon the morning light and before I have the time to complain that it is too bright for this early in the morning (12 pm, that is), a cloud cuts my moaning short, says “Alright, alright, alright” in a Matthew McConaughey manner and hides the sun, letting me wonder in the darkness of the day why the sun never shines when you want it to. Ah, complicated creatures we the humans are. Satisfaction guaranteed, but only when you know what you want; but you don’t know if you actually want it until you get it. Leaving things for later in life is a delicacy to the taste buds of fate, although your plans could clash with time and take the compromises you’ve had to make in a land of no return, where you risk to lose every trace of lust and appetite for what is coming your way. To be able to focus, you need to stop thinking, but you find it hardly possible to focus on stopping thinking. You are always prepared and never ready. What is best for you is sometimes a mystery to your guts. This is not the horoscope for Libras, Leos or true crime’s favourite Zodiac serial killer from the 60s. This is not Sparta. This is not the Twister. This is not I-Shall-Now-Shut-Up-With-All-Of-These-Cultural-References. But come on, let’s twist again towards the external factors that make us f**ked up and complicated.
Warning: This is everything but self-help instructions. Please, do not use it to assemble Ikea furniture or yourself. Take it with a light heart, and enjoy the sun or the clouds, or whatever it is, and appreciate the fact that not everything is black and white.
External Factors That Make Us F**ked Up and Complicated:
1.We eat chocolate at night and suffer from nightmareism. Yet, we will eat chocolate tomorrow night as well.
2.We kiss with our eyes closed.
But then, if we kiss with our eyes open, that would be rather creepy.
3.Ryan Reynolds is not our relative.
4.Our bladders cannot hold the watermelon juice until the morning and unless you use a catheter, you shall go to the toilet at night and hit your toe against the corner of the bed to experience the pain that a pregnant woman feels when she gives birth to twins with five heads each.
5.We drink and regret.
6.And we regret and then drink.
And then regret.
7.We don’t talk enough about the weather.
8.I’ve got 99 problems, but I have never actually sat down to count them.
9.“Felt cute. Might delete later.” BUT YOU NEVER DELETE IT, DO YOU?
10.We cut our own bangs.
11.And our own bangs subsequently cut our career opportunities.
12.We have a tendency to rewatch ‘F. R. I. E. N. D. S.’ every fall, winter, spring and summer and twice during exam season.
13.I am writing part of this at 04:07 am, staring at the screen of my phone because I cannot sleep, which will, in turn, make me even more awake.
Hail the blue light!
14.Your great-grandma would not know what a blue light is and that is probably the worst part of it all - the old sit to the side and cannot understand what the young are talking about. A generational gap of unbroken misunderstanding splits the world into seven billion.
15.We drink warm beer.
16.When we are constipated, we prefer diarrhea.
17.When we are loose, we want to tighten up and our intestines can’t keep up.
They are just flesh, at the end of the day.
18.We want to know where Ronaldo went on a vacation with his hot new girlfriend.
19.Macaulay Culkin is 40. And he is not getting any younger. Sometimes, his parents still leave him home alone and that’s sad.
20. “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22,” and I’m turning 82 in a week, and although I feel good, there is no song for when you are turning any two-decimal age that does not start with a 2. Stop celebrating life, obviously.
21. Until the age of five, children have birthday parties only because their parents organise them to have fun at their cubs’ expense to punish them for robbing them of their social life. Little Timmy gets a choo choo train and mommy gets a choo choo Margarita.
22.WE PEE IN THE SWIMMING POOL AND THAT’S THE CORE OF ALL OF OUR ISSUES.
*Once, our swimming training was cancelled because a child from the previous group had defecated in the water and they had to close the pool. When nature pushes in, you push out. I admire the audacity.*
23.We praise the “Free the Nipple”movement, but we freak out if the girl that hears us conjugate verbs in our Italian class accidentally sees our nipple in the locker room as we waste five precious minutes of our life trying to hold the towel high up and get dressed in the most uncomfortable way possible. one
24.We skip breakfast, have a snack at four, a preparation of the stomach for dinner at six, a dinner at eight, a second dinner at ten, and the desert for the rest of the week at midnight on a Monday.
25.We say “Mood” when we see the most somber expression of emotion.
26.There is not enough void to scream into. (You could scream in the middle of the city center, don't mind others.)
27.We live to love and love to live. That’s not really f**ked up and it’s pretty cheesy, so let’s forget about it.
28.However, life is live, love and laugh, and then you die. And it’s perfect.
29.We can be positive beyond repair and that’s what keeps the burning house from falling (besides the emergency fire department, but they can take the bench).
30. We, somehow, don’t expect neither the expected, nor the unexpected.
We become resilient when we least expect it.
The conclusion is: who am I to say why we are f**ked up and what’s so wrong with it? Just be happy, yes. Not that grande of a finale.
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